Internet Troubles

Hello everyone,

Sorry, I have been gone for a while. I had to move to a new apartment with my boyfriend because his grandmother had to sell her house. I was without internet for several months and I have just now returned.

Update: I have found a new job. I am baking at Golden Corral and I am still student teaching. My boyfriend and I have found an apartment and we are loving our freedom again! School is still going very well.

In the past month, I have gotten in touch with my old best friend from high school and I have found a few new friends. This is very good because I often have a hard time trying to make friends.

I have also had a really bad week the last week due to my PTSD. This was caused by both a mixture of not having cannabis (For those that follow me, you already know that I am a medical user. For those that do not, I am a medicinal user for both chronic pain and PTSD) and my grandfather passing away. This actually caused me turmoil not because he was my grandfather but rather the accompanying situation that occurred around it. You see, my grandfather that passed is actually my step-grandfather whom I have only known for about 4 years. While he was a really nice guy and I did spend some time with him. I did not really know him very well. While I was sad to hear of his passing it did not cause me very much grief but, my family became very adamant about me showing to his funeral. There are three big reasons I did not attend 1.) my mother would be there 2.) I did not really know him well enough and 3.) I have been to too many funerals lately. My grandmothers decided that they would continuously bug me about going to the funeral but I politely declined and told them that I had work and could not attend. This however, did not stop them from hounding me about going to the point I would not answer them. Today, I went to my grandmothers to bring her some money and pick up a few things and she then decided to try and guilt trip me about not having gone and that I had really hurt their feelings.

To backtrack a little bit, I do not have a very good relationship with my mother and I have therefore not talked to her in several years let alone see her. She was not only a bad mother but she is a manipulator, a blackmailer, a nymphomaniac, and all around nasty person. There was even an instance not long ago when I attempted to see my sister and she flipped out on my grandmother for her having asked my mom if it was okay for me to see her. She said some very cruel and untrue things to her all for my grandmother doing what my mom said about asking first. She is very angry with me and she tries to punish me by making it so I cannot see my siblings but, she does not realize that she is also punishing my siblings. There is one thing I do feel bad about however; I have a young sister that I am 20 years apart from that I have never met. I can only hope that my other siblings will help her understand that I am not staying away because I do not want to meet her but, rather to refrain from being around my poisonous mother. The hardest thing about all of this is that I am not seeing my siblings and that they will never truely know why I do not come around. Mom is a completely different person around other people. She is only mean, nasty, and hateful around me. She told me once that the reason she is like this is that she resents my father but, that is not my fault. This is very hard to grasp sometimes. She at times seems like she wants to try and make things right but, at the end of the day it only returns and she continues to blame me for all of her mistakes in life.

Another update: I have decided to no longer keep in contact with my father either. For those that do not know, I finally got back in contact with my father at the age of 18 because I wanted to know why he tried to kill my mom and maybe have some sort of relationship with him. This I have decided is not what I want. In stories, the estranged parent can sometimes be a wonderful person who was wronged and that was what I believed happened. After all, how could my father be worse than my mom. Truth be told, he is not worse than my mom but, he still is not anyone I want to keep in contact with. He is consistantly negative and angry, he has violent episodes, he has been to jail several times, he did drugs, he has lost all of his children, he is a deadbeat that cannot hold a job for more than a couple weeks, and he did not try until after things were to late. To reinterate, as it turns out he was supposed to pay child support. Now, many fathers decide not to pay but, in his case all he had to pay was $25 a month. This is not a lot of money but, he instead decided to only work under the table and never pay it. Then once I was 18, he started working off and on and told me he was going to pay child support. This was an odd thing to be told because the money would then not go to me at all and everything he complained about (the money only going to my mom) is the reality no matter what because I no longer live with her. Now do not get me wrong, there are redeemable things about him but, I cannot handle the way he chooses to live his life an act. I mean a man that is more worried about feeding his vices than paying for dpl and for his step child to eat is not a very good parent in my book. Sorry for the random info dump.

Thanks for reading.

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Eclipse and House

I just wanted do a quick update. I am heading out to Carbondale, Illinois to go see the totality and my boyfriend and I are super excited. It seems like we have gotten the house and we are all pretty excited about that as well. Now I just have to get this job Friday and everything will go as planned.

Thank you.

What a crappy morning

I was so excited for the day but, now everything just sucks. I feel like crap. I am emotional and I feel alone. Worst of all I feel like a failure.  Having PTSD is so hard; not to mention everything that I have along with it: anxiety, depression, EDS, and next to zero self esteem. Plus, I am out of my handy cannabis to calm me down and stop the bad thoughts.

One little statement can kill iyou. I just want people to believe in me and know that I really do try… I hate that I have all the problems that Ind that it started so early in life. Only now as an adult have I begun to learn anything… For example, in my mom’s house, the only way to get anything in would be to interrupt; if that isn’t bad enough, I have  ADHD which in my case is expressed through interrupting and problems focusing. I know I need to work on it and I want to but it is physically difficult for me to slow down enough to think before I speak and to not do so. Idk what to do and it is causing problems in my life.

I also learned that I handle my anger through passive agression. This is news to me because I am fairly even tempered. It is apparently an issue but, idk how to fix it either. I am not someone who yells or gets outwardly angry easily and I not to things up a lot. I was unaware of my passive aggressions. So many questions without answers.

Thank you for reading my rant/inner turmoil.

It is getting better

So today I went out looking for a house again with my friends and we think we have found one that will meet all of our needs. It even has a dishwasher, Jacuzzi jet tub, and a really nice sized basement. Fingers crossed that we can try and sign papers for it tomorrow. I even got an interview tomorrow to hopefully go back into teaching. I missed being able to do things and go places so this new found freedom is actually pretty nice. On August 21st there is a total solar eclipse and my boyfriend and I are driving 2 states over to see it in full. Super excited.

Only downside to this trip for the eclipse… I have to get all of my school work done 3 days early because I will not have time or internet to do so. I am looking at 2 long chapters, 2 discussions, 6 responses, and a paper on Human Memory. I can do it though.

I have also realized that between proper dosing of cannabis and this blog, I have a form of peace. I feel much better being able to type out everything that I need to.  I can even look at how I am coping and act from it. I really hope that this continues because I know that therapy never truly helped me other than give me coping mechanisms. By this point, I am fairly sure I know just about every mechanism and it is more about using them than struggling to figure them out. It is peculiar however that I am doing better writing a blog because I never did well with journals but, I will not complain.

Thanks for reading.

Today’s lesson plan creation

In class today, we were given the task of creating a way to teach children about conservation. Now, there are several different types of conservation. When I think of conservation, I think of saving water and planet protection. So for my activity, I created an ‘obstacle course’ that the children would go through in order to water the plant at the end.

First, the students would form groups and have a fixed amount of water. Next, I would show each student how much water (using a cup with a pre-drawn water line) is needed to water the plant. Then, the children would go down the line pouring however much water they think that they should in the cups provided. At the end, each student would pour their remaining water into the cup with the water line to see if they properly saved enough water back. Those that succeed would then get a prize or candy of some sort.

So, I have been debating about trying out a website called TeachersPayTeachers.com. This website is intended for teachers to create, share, and sell products such as: lessons, lesson plans, decorations, and activities. I have already received many free products from this site and I may start up my own account. I will let everyone know if I do and link my profile later on if I do.

Thanks for reading!

Job hunt

So, in an earlier post I talked about how my boyfriend and I are needing to figure some stuff out and I will no longer be only a student. Yesterday, I put in one application and today I was set up for an interview! I am so excited. The position is to be an assistant teacher at a learning center. Although, I prefer being a lead teacher, I am super excited regardless. I cannot wait to see and work with children again! I thought it was hilarious that this comes out right after my post about why I want to be a teacher. Things are looking up. Now to figure out what to do about our living situation. Current idea is to see if the family would be willing to let us keep the house  since grams is no longer living here. We shall see.

Anyway, thanks for reading

What made you decide to teach?

I often get the question, “What made you decide to teach?” I think it is a wide variety of things. Subconsciously, I think I always loved teaching but never really noticed it. There has been many instances in my life that I have taught. When I was 12 years old, I became a black belt in martial arts (the youngest in my school) and I soon after became an instructor. I absolutely loved teaching. I taught this for roughly 5 or 6 years before taking my break due to my studies becoming a priority.

I originally wanted to be a neurosurgeon but after going to college for a year, I found that it was not what I really wanted to do. While I felt that I had the intelligence and the steady hands, I wanted to have a family at some point. Surgeons, especially neurosurgeons, spend long hours in the hospitals with an average of 80+ hours a week. This would not leave me very much time to have a family and care for them in the ways that I would like to. My childhood was filled with many bad things (as my blog makes obvious) and I do not want my children to go through the same things. I also grew up raising my siblings which gave me a lot of practice with children.

After about half a year from the point of dropping out of college to reassess my life and what I wanted to be, I decided to try out teaching at KinderCare. I was immediately hired as the Pre-K teacher. This was one of the best decisions of my life! I loved those children and they loved me too. Everyday that I came in, the children would all crowd around me and give me hugs; it was a wonderful feeling. As time went on, I had several parents tell me how amazing my teaching was and how well their children were doing. Some of the parents had even mentioned that I was the reason that they stayed at KinderCare.

The best thing about teaching, for me, is watching the light-bulb moments. It is such a great feeling when you help a child reach new heights. For example, I had a little boy who wanted to learn how to write his name but, he continuously would say that it was impossible. He got very frustrated and he would throw things but, each day I sat down with him until I came up with a better idea. I had the whole class come together for an experiment. First, I would give each child a dry erase board and have them gather around my white board. Next, I would draw a line and have them copy it. Then, I would draw another and another. Until finally, they had created a letter and this blew their mind! This made a wonderful breakthrough where several children wanted to learn how to write their names. I spent time teaching each one. Now, the student that would throw things felt more confident and I treated his name in the same fashion. After about 3 weeks of continuous practice, he figures it out. The next day, his mother came in exclaiming how wonderful it was to see her child start trying things. Apparently, he had the family all sit down at the table while he wrote his name for them (correctly I might add). This was just the best feeling ever. I live for these moments!

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Tattoo Excitement

So, I have a friend who is an apprentice at a fairly prestigious shop (at least in my area). She has decided to give me a free tattoo to help her practice. I have been watching her work: her drawings, tattoos, and concepts. She is doing really well. On 9/11 I am getting it. I thought I would get a tattoo for my love of teaching on my forearm.

It is going to have a watercolor background with an adorable owl at the top. The middle/bottom is going to have “Teachers who love teaching, teach children to love learning” and a small apple to the side of the lettering. Now, normally I wouldn’t get a quote but, there are few tattoos for teachers and I have always loved this quote. I feel that it is a good reflection on how I feel about teaching. I have also decided that the arm that I put it on, is going to be dedicated to my teaching. The plan is to get a small tattoo each year that fits each group of kids. That was all. 🙂

Thanks for reading.

It was a good day

Today was a pretty good day; we had some friends that stayed the night last night. When we got up, we all sat around and played a bunch of games and got to talk and hang out. They even got me to try my first taste of brandy; all I can really say was it burned. Nothing really came out of that other than them all laughing at my face… I don’t drink.

We followed the day up with partying, playing more role playing games, and getting food out all together. Poor girl (the waitress) had a rough night. When we went in, (at 3am mind you) she had roughly 4 other parties and she was by herself. One of my friends also decides to get a 7×7 sandwich from Steak n Shake. After all of our order was taken, I counted up that we (the 4 of us) had all just asked her to tell the one and only cook that an order of 4 people just got 22 patties. The cook was not too happy but, we did our best to keep her in good spirits. We even left her a $15 dollar tip to try and apologize. We then went home and my boyfriend and I had a really nice fire and time to play with our dog. It definitely made up for the last few days.

Thank you for reading.

“We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.”

This is the quote that appeared for August in my calendar and it could not be more fitting. In the past 3 days, things have gotten pretty hectic. It all started because grams (my boyfriend’s grandmother with dementia that we took care of) has finally hit the angry side of dementia. She was making outrageous claims while also being jealous of my boyfriend and I’s relationship. You see, her husband died earlier this year and she misses him everyday. It just finally got to a point, after 2 1/2 years, that we are done and wanting to live a normal life for early 20 year olds.

The next day, I had to go to an appointment for my yearly female exam. After I had made it to the appointment, we get a call from paramedics and he had to hurry home. She had accidentally hit the button and with her medicine missing (she takes them later in the day because her days and nights are switched), she is incontinent and had peed while we were gone and for these reasons, they took her. It wasn’t until several hours later that we would hear anything. It is believed that in her anger and with the imagined problems she said something that painted us in the wrong light. They told us that we were deemed unfit. It was a whirlwind of bad things. Even though we had several people vouching for us that we took very good care of her, they kept this decision and she was taken from the home. At that moment we learned that we had about a month to move out. It was a bad night.

The next day it got a little better; one of our friends is trying to look for a house and with us, it is possible to all live together. We are in the process of trying to get the house that we fell in love looking at yesterday. I am praying hard that we get this house. All we can do is put this behind us and move on.

Thank you for reading.