Monthly Archives: February 2018

Internet Troubles

Hello everyone,

Sorry, I have been gone for a while. I had to move to a new apartment with my boyfriend because his grandmother had to sell her house. I was without internet for several months and I have just now returned.

Update: I have found a new job. I am baking at Golden Corral and I am still student teaching. My boyfriend and I have found an apartment and we are loving our freedom again! School is still going very well.

In the past month, I have gotten in touch with my old best friend from high school and I have found a few new friends. This is very good because I often have a hard time trying to make friends.

I have also had a really bad week the last week due to my PTSD. This was caused by both a mixture of not having cannabis (For those that follow me, you already know that I am a medical user. For those that do not, I am a medicinal user for both chronic pain and PTSD) and my grandfather passing away. This actually caused me turmoil not because he was my grandfather but rather the accompanying situation that occurred around it. You see, my grandfather that passed is actually my step-grandfather whom I have only known for about 4 years. While he was a really nice guy and I did spend some time with him. I did not really know him very well. While I was sad to hear of his passing it did not cause me very much grief but, my family became very adamant about me showing to his funeral. There are three big reasons I did not attend 1.) my mother would be there 2.) I did not really know him well enough and 3.) I have been to too many funerals lately. My grandmothers decided that they would continuously bug me about going to the funeral but I politely declined and told them that I had work and could not attend. This however, did not stop them from hounding me about going to the point I would not answer them. Today, I went to my grandmothers to bring her some money and pick up a few things and she then decided to try and guilt trip me about not having gone and that I had really hurt their feelings.

To backtrack a little bit, I do not have a very good relationship with my mother and I have therefore not talked to her in several years let alone see her. She was not only a bad mother but she is a manipulator, a blackmailer, a nymphomaniac, and all around nasty person. There was even an instance not long ago when I attempted to see my sister and she flipped out on my grandmother for her having asked my mom if it was okay for me to see her. She said some very cruel and untrue things to her all for my grandmother doing what my mom said about asking first. She is very angry with me and she tries to punish me by making it so I cannot see my siblings but, she does not realize that she is also punishing my siblings. There is one thing I do feel bad about however; I have a young sister that I am 20 years apart from that I have never met. I can only hope that my other siblings will help her understand that I am not staying away because I do not want to meet her but, rather to refrain from being around my poisonous mother. The hardest thing about all of this is that I am not seeing my siblings and that they will never truely know why I do not come around. Mom is a completely different person around other people. She is only mean, nasty, and hateful around me. She told me once that the reason she is like this is that she resents my father but, that is not my fault. This is very hard to grasp sometimes. She at times seems like she wants to try and make things right but, at the end of the day it only returns and she continues to blame me for all of her mistakes in life.

Another update: I have decided to no longer keep in contact with my father either. For those that do not know, I finally got back in contact with my father at the age of 18 because I wanted to know why he tried to kill my mom and maybe have some sort of relationship with him. This I have decided is not what I want. In stories, the estranged parent can sometimes be a wonderful person who was wronged and that was what I believed happened. After all, how could my father be worse than my mom. Truth be told, he is not worse than my mom but, he still is not anyone I want to keep in contact with. He is consistantly negative and angry, he has violent episodes, he has been to jail several times, he did drugs, he has lost all of his children, he is a deadbeat that cannot hold a job for more than a couple weeks, and he did not try until after things were to late. To reinterate, as it turns out he was supposed to pay child support. Now, many fathers decide not to pay but, in his case all he had to pay was $25 a month. This is not a lot of money but, he instead decided to only work under the table and never pay it. Then once I was 18, he started working off and on and told me he was going to pay child support. This was an odd thing to be told because the money would then not go to me at all and everything he complained about (the money only going to my mom) is the reality no matter what because I no longer live with her. Now do not get me wrong, there are redeemable things about him but, I cannot handle the way he chooses to live his life an act. I mean a man that is more worried about feeding his vices than paying for dpl and for his step child to eat is not a very good parent in my book. Sorry for the random info dump.

Thanks for reading.

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