Category Archives: Bad days

What a crappy morning

I was so excited for the day but, now everything just sucks. I feel like crap. I am emotional and I feel alone. Worst of all I feel like a failure.  Having PTSD is so hard; not to mention everything that I have along with it: anxiety, depression, EDS, and next to zero self esteem. Plus, I am out of my handy cannabis to calm me down and stop the bad thoughts.

One little statement can kill iyou. I just want people to believe in me and know that I really do try… I hate that I have all the problems that Ind that it started so early in life. Only now as an adult have I begun to learn anything… For example, in my mom’s house, the only way to get anything in would be to interrupt; if that isn’t bad enough, I have  ADHD which in my case is expressed through interrupting and problems focusing. I know I need to work on it and I want to but it is physically difficult for me to slow down enough to think before I speak and to not do so. Idk what to do and it is causing problems in my life.

I also learned that I handle my anger through passive agression. This is news to me because I am fairly even tempered. It is apparently an issue but, idk how to fix it either. I am not someone who yells or gets outwardly angry easily and I not to things up a lot. I was unaware of my passive aggressions. So many questions without answers.

Thank you for reading my rant/inner turmoil.

“We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.”

This is the quote that appeared for August in my calendar and it could not be more fitting. In the past 3 days, things have gotten pretty hectic. It all started because grams (my boyfriend’s grandmother with dementia that we took care of) has finally hit the angry side of dementia. She was making outrageous claims while also being jealous of my boyfriend and I’s relationship. You see, her husband died earlier this year and she misses him everyday. It just finally got to a point, after 2 1/2 years, that we are done and wanting to live a normal life for early 20 year olds.

The next day, I had to go to an appointment for my yearly female exam. After I had made it to the appointment, we get a call from paramedics and he had to hurry home. She had accidentally hit the button and with her medicine missing (she takes them later in the day because her days and nights are switched), she is incontinent and had peed while we were gone and for these reasons, they took her. It wasn’t until several hours later that we would hear anything. It is believed that in her anger and with the imagined problems she said something that painted us in the wrong light. They told us that we were deemed unfit. It was a whirlwind of bad things. Even though we had several people vouching for us that we took very good care of her, they kept this decision and she was taken from the home. At that moment we learned that we had about a month to move out. It was a bad night.

The next day it got a little better; one of our friends is trying to look for a house and with us, it is possible to all live together. We are in the process of trying to get the house that we fell in love looking at yesterday. I am praying hard that we get this house. All we can do is put this behind us and move on.

Thank you for reading.

Sometimes you just want to stay home

I have had a long week and I hadn’t had the ability to stay home due to appointments, planned events, and errands. Today, I was supposed to attend my boyfriend’s family dinner; these happen every Sunday. I did not want to go and even though I tried to get myself going, I just couldn’t. So, I told my boyfriend that I would stay home today. He and his grandmother got ready and I stayed home. At first it was good but, PTSD always rears its ugly head.

Luckily, I was able to stay fairly stable until my boyfriend got home. Sadly, he was unaware that the smell of tequila on his breath would send me into a flashback. This was unfortunate not for me but for him. He tries to stay away from triggers but, today he triggered one without meaning to. About 10 minutes later, he had to leave for work so he remained talking to me on the phone. About an hour into his shift, I get a message asking me to play some games with my friends. I at first agree but after an hour or so, I had to tell them that I wanted to reschedule.

I find that I have these days at least once a week. I try to tell myself that this is okay but, I always feel bad about it. I am unsure at this point if this is caused by PTSD, anxiety, depression, or stress but, I plan on doing some research. The more information I have, the better I can manage the symptoms. This habit of researching my symptoms and talking to other people with my problems, has helped me create coping mechanisms as well as handle the situations better. I find knowledge is truly power; it gives me the facts and I better understand what I can and cannot fix and ideas on how to deal with them. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

If all goes as planned, I am going to try and do a memoir/poem for my next blog to lighten up my posts as well as, give you guys some insight on how my brain thinks. Have a good day/night and thanks for reading.

Today’s coping mechanism

I have tried many coping mechanisms in my life but, today I thought to change one of my mechanisms slightly. I got really upset and started going for a walk. Now, this is something that I do quite often but instead of aimless walking and getting myself lost to make myself find my way back, I  turned around at the halfway point. I walked until I found the road that I recognized had a park. At the park, I realized that there was a large area of grass, flowers, and a few trees. I sat down under a really nice shady tree in the grass and made myself breathe. With each deep breath, I tried to get myself out of my head and on the nature around me. While I did this, I started picking up blades of grass and tying them around a small stick that I found. I got about 3/4ths of the stick covered before I started to come back to the present. First, I noticed the wind; it was quite brisk but it smelled really good; there was the smell of freshly cut grass, cookouts, and the residual smell of rain. Then, I noticed children playing and the sound of laughter. Children’s laughter is a wonderful thing for me and it made me instantly feel a little better. Next, the grass made itself known underneath me. It was cool and soft with just enough give to remain comfortable. The soil was also cool and still slightly damp but, I didn’t mind it much. I then turned my eyes to the flowers. There were 3 different kinds: little white flowers,  small purple flowers, and some yellow flowers that looked like small bundles of bells. They were very pretty littered through the grass and clovers. At this point, I began to pick the flowers and make a small flower wreath that I then put on before lying in the grass. It was very comfortable and it made me think of nature and how we almost never take time to pay attention. I recalled back to my favorite place when I was a child; it was a small pool of water that had a waterfall with a cave under it surrounded by trees. This area was my favorite escape because although it was in the middle of the neighborhood, you could not hear anything but the sound of the waterfall and subsequent brook. It was heavenly. By this point, I felt much better and was able to walk on home. Thank goodness for nature and the sound of laughing children.

Thanks for reading

It has been 2 years…

Today it was very difficult to realize that it has been 2 years since I have seen the 2 siblings that I grew up with. My brother is 16 now and he has a girlfriend and my sister is 11 but, I haven’t been able to even talk with them. Why, you may ask; I cannot go to my mothers without her making everything worse. She always brings up the past and she is continuously uncivil. It pains me every day that I can’t even talk to them because of her. She has made it quite clear that I have to see her to talk to them but, my therapist and everyone I know has confirmed that I am better when I do not see her or speak with her.

I think the worst part is that my siblings and I have always had a very close relationship. Due to my mother’s nymphomania and her men, I ended up raising them on my own. Once I turned about 7, I took the role of helping to care and raise my brother and keeping him as ignorant of our mother’s actions as possible. It seemed normal to him and my later sister that I took care of everything. I was always their confidant and I helped them with everything that I could. I was their ‘mother’, tutor, and friend. I was never allowed to go outside and play or have friends so, my siblings were my life for most of my adolescent years.

I remember one day, I had left for school with my brother (I had to walk him to school then walk 5 miles to my school because they did not want woken up) and left my sister in her highchair. This was apparently the wrong thing to do in her eyes. I was grounded for 4 months (the entire summer) because I left my sister with food in a high chair. Mind you, I was only about 15 at the time and I was unsure what to do. If I tried to wake my mother, it would go to no avail because she was being drugged to a near comatose state. If I tried to wake her boyfriend at the time, I would be beaten for getting him up earlier and he wanted. This is the same man that dragged me by my hair for biking to school in the rain and then beaten. What would you do in this situation?

I remember when my brother had a project for school, he named me as his hero/role model and I about burst into tears. My mother got really jealous and for the next month she wouldn’t allow me to do anything that I wanted. It was like being grounded without actually being grounded. This wasn’t something that was abnormal either; she consistently would ground me or blackmail me to ensure that I would do as she wanted. Blackmail was a particular favorite of hers but, that wasn’t the bad part; she would blackmail me with things that I hadn’t done. She would threaten to tell my grandmother or whoever that I did things that were in fact done by her. I was always blamed for doing things that was done by her. For example, she wrote to her boyfriend in jail and told everyone that it was me who was getting in contact with him and really wanted him back. To be honest, I have no idea how people believed his to be true because I was the one that sent him to jail. He had beaten my brother, sister, mother, and myself. The only reason I didn’t end up being killed was due to my martial arts training. He was a marine and very strong. In the end, I ended up breaking his arm, leg, ribs, jaw, and causing him to blackout because he would not stop. I went to school the next day with bruises on my neck from being choked and several bruises and cuts all over my body. Thank goodness for my science teacher reporting it and helping me through it.

I miss my brother and sister so much. When I was emancipated, I would return to my mothers to see them. My brother for the first year would never leave my side when I showed up. He would remind me over and over that he loved me and that I was his favorite. At home, he was required to act as if our 6 step siblings were our real siblings but we barely knew them. They were quite cruel to them and I would always have to help them cope with it. My sister unfortunately went from being slightly behind to several years behind. She was always slow but with patient assistance, she would pick up things fairly well but, my mother refused to take the time to help her. She was then counted as retarded when in fact, she is not getting the one on one help she needs. I know this because every time I would come over and help her with her work, she would understand it. I worry for them but, I can’t see them until they are 18 years old. This hurts me more than I can explain.

Sorry for the random blurb of information but, free writing is the best way for me to tell you without breaking down. Thank you for reading and have a good night/day.

Rough Day (warning flashback scene)

So, today I woke up with a sense of impending doom. I did not know entirely why until a few hours later. I went around the house doing what I normally do and trying to make myself feel better but everything seemed to be in vain.

Then it happened, a sudden panic attack followed by a flashback. I started to pant and it felt like an elephant was on my chest. I started trying to breathe but, I could not seem to catch my breath. It started with a smell; it was something similar to that of wood and incense. Then I saw him, the tall linky man of my nightmares. He was my mother’s current boyfriend and the worst of all. I see him walking up the stairs to my room with a look of hunger in his eyes. Behind him I see my mother in a drugged out haze. She doesn’t seem to notice or care that I am telling them to get out of my room. Then they walk to the side of my bed and he takes off her clothes. He then stares right at me and tells me that I better watch and he then has his way with my mother. The scene flickers and I am running in the house trying to get away from him as he is chasing me around the house in an angry rage for taking my bike to school on a rainy day. (I had to walk to school everyday but, it was pouring and I wanted to get there faster. He picked me up one block from the school and forced me to stay home.) He catches me by the hair and lifts me up. I am thrown into the baby gate and I start to bleed and I cry out but, my mother is in a near comatose state from prescription drugs that he has forced her to take. It shifts again, he is offering to teach me how to fight and to not be surprised at anything. He claims that he has to touch my privates to make me numb to the feeling. I try to pull away but, he forces me into his lap and makes me move no matter how much I cried. Another vision comes forth, I am tied down and he has a lighter and it is moving towards my privates again and it goes black. I am sweating and trying to breath and forget what I just saw. My mind is groggy and I try to ground myself in the location I am in.

I got up and went to the bathroom to splash water and my face and make it so that no one can tell what happened. I stare in the mirror trying to make my face into a convincing smile while, reassuring myself that everything is okay now. I left the bathroom and sat down on the couch to watch TV. Moments later, my boyfriend’s grandmother wakes up and needs help to got to the bathroom and my day fully begins. To help with the pain, I turn to the only thing that helps… cannabis.

I read several years before this about the benefits of cannabis but, I never realized just how well it really worked until I decided to try it again about 4 years ago. In the past I smoked but, I was unaware of the benefits that it had. I was given it at the age of 9 and I smoked off and on for years. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I truly decided to try it as a daily medication. To this day, it is the only solace that I have. I even found that I am able to better concentrate and go to school when I smoke. I went from being a c average student to a straight A student. It was then that I decided that it was best to continue. Thank goodness that it will be medically legal here in about 2 months.

I think I will end here for now, thank you for reading. Have a good day/night.