Category Archives: My family

Internet Troubles

Hello everyone,

Sorry, I have been gone for a while. I had to move to a new apartment with my boyfriend because his grandmother had to sell her house. I was without internet for several months and I have just now returned.

Update: I have found a new job. I am baking at Golden Corral and I am still student teaching. My boyfriend and I have found an apartment and we are loving our freedom again! School is still going very well.

In the past month, I have gotten in touch with my old best friend from high school and I have found a few new friends. This is very good because I often have a hard time trying to make friends.

I have also had a really bad week the last week due to my PTSD. This was caused by both a mixture of not having cannabis (For those that follow me, you already know that I am a medical user. For those that do not, I am a medicinal user for both chronic pain and PTSD) and my grandfather passing away. This actually caused me turmoil not because he was my grandfather but rather the accompanying situation that occurred around it. You see, my grandfather that passed is actually my step-grandfather whom I have only known for about 4 years. While he was a really nice guy and I did spend some time with him. I did not really know him very well. While I was sad to hear of his passing it did not cause me very much grief but, my family became very adamant about me showing to his funeral. There are three big reasons I did not attend 1.) my mother would be there 2.) I did not really know him well enough and 3.) I have been to too many funerals lately. My grandmothers decided that they would continuously bug me about going to the funeral but I politely declined and told them that I had work and could not attend. This however, did not stop them from hounding me about going to the point I would not answer them. Today, I went to my grandmothers to bring her some money and pick up a few things and she then decided to try and guilt trip me about not having gone and that I had really hurt their feelings.

To backtrack a little bit, I do not have a very good relationship with my mother and I have therefore not talked to her in several years let alone see her. She was not only a bad mother but she is a manipulator, a blackmailer, a nymphomaniac, and all around nasty person. There was even an instance not long ago when I attempted to see my sister and she flipped out on my grandmother for her having asked my mom if it was okay for me to see her. She said some very cruel and untrue things to her all for my grandmother doing what my mom said about asking first. She is very angry with me and she tries to punish me by making it so I cannot see my siblings but, she does not realize that she is also punishing my siblings. There is one thing I do feel bad about however; I have a young sister that I am 20 years apart from that I have never met. I can only hope that my other siblings will help her understand that I am not staying away because I do not want to meet her but, rather to refrain from being around my poisonous mother. The hardest thing about all of this is that I am not seeing my siblings and that they will never truely know why I do not come around. Mom is a completely different person around other people. She is only mean, nasty, and hateful around me. She told me once that the reason she is like this is that she resents my father but, that is not my fault. This is very hard to grasp sometimes. She at times seems like she wants to try and make things right but, at the end of the day it only returns and she continues to blame me for all of her mistakes in life.

Another update: I have decided to no longer keep in contact with my father either. For those that do not know, I finally got back in contact with my father at the age of 18 because I wanted to know why he tried to kill my mom and maybe have some sort of relationship with him. This I have decided is not what I want. In stories, the estranged parent can sometimes be a wonderful person who was wronged and that was what I believed happened. After all, how could my father be worse than my mom. Truth be told, he is not worse than my mom but, he still is not anyone I want to keep in contact with. He is consistantly negative and angry, he has violent episodes, he has been to jail several times, he did drugs, he has lost all of his children, he is a deadbeat that cannot hold a job for more than a couple weeks, and he did not try until after things were to late. To reinterate, as it turns out he was supposed to pay child support. Now, many fathers decide not to pay but, in his case all he had to pay was $25 a month. This is not a lot of money but, he instead decided to only work under the table and never pay it. Then once I was 18, he started working off and on and told me he was going to pay child support. This was an odd thing to be told because the money would then not go to me at all and everything he complained about (the money only going to my mom) is the reality no matter what because I no longer live with her. Now do not get me wrong, there are redeemable things about him but, I cannot handle the way he chooses to live his life an act. I mean a man that is more worried about feeding his vices than paying for dpl and for his step child to eat is not a very good parent in my book. Sorry for the random info dump.

Thanks for reading.

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It has been 2 years…

Today it was very difficult to realize that it has been 2 years since I have seen the 2 siblings that I grew up with. My brother is 16 now and he has a girlfriend and my sister is 11 but, I haven’t been able to even talk with them. Why, you may ask; I cannot go to my mothers without her making everything worse. She always brings up the past and she is continuously uncivil. It pains me every day that I can’t even talk to them because of her. She has made it quite clear that I have to see her to talk to them but, my therapist and everyone I know has confirmed that I am better when I do not see her or speak with her.

I think the worst part is that my siblings and I have always had a very close relationship. Due to my mother’s nymphomania and her men, I ended up raising them on my own. Once I turned about 7, I took the role of helping to care and raise my brother and keeping him as ignorant of our mother’s actions as possible. It seemed normal to him and my later sister that I took care of everything. I was always their confidant and I helped them with everything that I could. I was their ‘mother’, tutor, and friend. I was never allowed to go outside and play or have friends so, my siblings were my life for most of my adolescent years.

I remember one day, I had left for school with my brother (I had to walk him to school then walk 5 miles to my school because they did not want woken up) and left my sister in her highchair. This was apparently the wrong thing to do in her eyes. I was grounded for 4 months (the entire summer) because I left my sister with food in a high chair. Mind you, I was only about 15 at the time and I was unsure what to do. If I tried to wake my mother, it would go to no avail because she was being drugged to a near comatose state. If I tried to wake her boyfriend at the time, I would be beaten for getting him up earlier and he wanted. This is the same man that dragged me by my hair for biking to school in the rain and then beaten. What would you do in this situation?

I remember when my brother had a project for school, he named me as his hero/role model and I about burst into tears. My mother got really jealous and for the next month she wouldn’t allow me to do anything that I wanted. It was like being grounded without actually being grounded. This wasn’t something that was abnormal either; she consistently would ground me or blackmail me to ensure that I would do as she wanted. Blackmail was a particular favorite of hers but, that wasn’t the bad part; she would blackmail me with things that I hadn’t done. She would threaten to tell my grandmother or whoever that I did things that were in fact done by her. I was always blamed for doing things that was done by her. For example, she wrote to her boyfriend in jail and told everyone that it was me who was getting in contact with him and really wanted him back. To be honest, I have no idea how people believed his to be true because I was the one that sent him to jail. He had beaten my brother, sister, mother, and myself. The only reason I didn’t end up being killed was due to my martial arts training. He was a marine and very strong. In the end, I ended up breaking his arm, leg, ribs, jaw, and causing him to blackout because he would not stop. I went to school the next day with bruises on my neck from being choked and several bruises and cuts all over my body. Thank goodness for my science teacher reporting it and helping me through it.

I miss my brother and sister so much. When I was emancipated, I would return to my mothers to see them. My brother for the first year would never leave my side when I showed up. He would remind me over and over that he loved me and that I was his favorite. At home, he was required to act as if our 6 step siblings were our real siblings but we barely knew them. They were quite cruel to them and I would always have to help them cope with it. My sister unfortunately went from being slightly behind to several years behind. She was always slow but with patient assistance, she would pick up things fairly well but, my mother refused to take the time to help her. She was then counted as retarded when in fact, she is not getting the one on one help she needs. I know this because every time I would come over and help her with her work, she would understand it. I worry for them but, I can’t see them until they are 18 years old. This hurts me more than I can explain.

Sorry for the random blurb of information but, free writing is the best way for me to tell you without breaking down. Thank you for reading and have a good night/day.

Let me explain my family real quick

Okay, so I figured that I should make a post about my family and the crazy relations before I delve too far. All in all I have 15 siblings but, not a single one is full blooded and only 6 of which are step siblings. Even weirder, my first cousins are also my siblings. My father has a brother and my father married his brother’s ex wife. My great grandma is referred to as grandma and my grandma is my nana. I have 2 uncles but the ages are a little odd. grandma has my nana and B. B is 36 years younger than his sister and only 4 years younger than my mother. My mother’s brother is closer to my age with only about 6 years apart. We both grew up with our uncles that were close enough in age to be our brothers.

So first of My mother was 16 when she had me (all of the women besides me have had children really early in life) and she had dropped out of high school along with her new husband. They only got married because I was conceived. Five years later, my brother is born but his father is another man. Things get really hairy (more on this later) and my father tries to kill my mother and I don’t see him for a while (due to jail time but, not for long).

We then go to live with my great grandmother (grandma) for about 6 months before we move in with her long time lover. This man is responsible for my little sister about 5 years later and most of my horrors. After about 6 years of living with him (in Hell) we all go live in a homeless shelter before getting picked up by grandma again.

This time I notice that my grandmother is not as nice as she seems. We have several fights and she was consistently verbally abusive but, she did become physical at times. My mother leaves and goes on her own. She has several men before settling with another terrible man. After this man and several years of relapse with this man, she gets with my new stepfather. Things are better but this is how she accumulated 6 step children. Years later they also have another daughter… This child is 20 years apart from me and I have never met her.

My father had several wives as well and to his second wife, he had 3 children and only one of which is still living with him. His third wife is his current wife; this is the woman who was previously my aunt. She had 3 kids. This is the quickest way to explain the important facts about my crazy family and relations.

Thank you for reading 🙂