Category Archives: Rants

What a crappy morning

I was so excited for the day but, now everything just sucks. I feel like crap. I am emotional and I feel alone. Worst of all I feel like a failure.  Having PTSD is so hard; not to mention everything that I have along with it: anxiety, depression, EDS, and next to zero self esteem. Plus, I am out of my handy cannabis to calm me down and stop the bad thoughts.

One little statement can kill iyou. I just want people to believe in me and know that I really do try… I hate that I have all the problems that Ind that it started so early in life. Only now as an adult have I begun to learn anything… For example, in my mom’s house, the only way to get anything in would be to interrupt; if that isn’t bad enough, I have  ADHD which in my case is expressed through interrupting and problems focusing. I know I need to work on it and I want to but it is physically difficult for me to slow down enough to think before I speak and to not do so. Idk what to do and it is causing problems in my life.

I also learned that I handle my anger through passive agression. This is news to me because I am fairly even tempered. It is apparently an issue but, idk how to fix it either. I am not someone who yells or gets outwardly angry easily and I not to things up a lot. I was unaware of my passive aggressions. So many questions without answers.

Thank you for reading my rant/inner turmoil.

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How can you have PTSD? You were never in the military…

This question bugs me to my core. PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, is not limited to those in the military. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD can be caused by a shocking, scary, or dangerous event that triggered a flight-or-flight response; this is meant to protect a person from harm. In chronic PTSD, which I have, the person experiences re-experiences of the trauma (flashbacks), avoidance, bad dreams, easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, feelings of guilt or blame, and frightening thoughts. Often, those with PTSD also inherit anxiety disorders.

I have PTSD due to years of sexual/physical/emotional abuse and several near death experiences. All of these triggered the fight response in me as a child and it has physically distorted areas in my brain. Childhood trauma is also very bad for the brain because it is effecting it in a more long term manner. Trauma in children has long lasting effects because the brains are still being developed and the changes that the brain undergoes at these stages are extremely important for development and personality.

Rant over. Thank you for reading.