So today I went out looking for a house again with my friends and we think we have found one that will meet all of our needs. It even has a dishwasher, Jacuzzi jet tub, and a really nice sized basement. Fingers crossed that we can try and sign papers for it tomorrow. I even got an interview tomorrow to hopefully go back into teaching. I missed being able to do things and go places so this new found freedom is actually pretty nice. On August 21st there is a total solar eclipse and my boyfriend and I are driving 2 states over to see it in full. Super excited.
Only downside to this trip for the eclipse… I have to get all of my school work done 3 days early because I will not have time or internet to do so. I am looking at 2 long chapters, 2 discussions, 6 responses, and a paper on Human Memory. I can do it though.
I have also realized that between proper dosing of cannabis and this blog, I have a form of peace. I feel much better being able to type out everything that I need to. I can even look at how I am coping and act from it. I really hope that this continues because I know that therapy never truly helped me other than give me coping mechanisms. By this point, I am fairly sure I know just about every mechanism and it is more about using them than struggling to figure them out. It is peculiar however that I am doing better writing a blog because I never did well with journals but, I will not complain.
Thanks for reading.
This is the quote that appeared for August in my calendar and it could not be more fitting. In the past 3 days, things have gotten pretty hectic. It all started because grams (my boyfriend’s grandmother with dementia that we took care of) has finally hit the angry side of dementia. She was making outrageous claims while also being jealous of my boyfriend and I’s relationship. You see, her husband died earlier this year and she misses him everyday. It just finally got to a point, after 2 1/2 years, that we are done and wanting to live a normal life for early 20 year olds.
The next day, I had to go to an appointment for my yearly female exam. After I had made it to the appointment, we get a call from paramedics and he had to hurry home. She had accidentally hit the button and with her medicine missing (she takes them later in the day because her days and nights are switched), she is incontinent and had peed while we were gone and for these reasons, they took her. It wasn’t until several hours later that we would hear anything. It is believed that in her anger and with the imagined problems she said something that painted us in the wrong light. They told us that we were deemed unfit. It was a whirlwind of bad things. Even though we had several people vouching for us that we took very good care of her, they kept this decision and she was taken from the home. At that moment we learned that we had about a month to move out. It was a bad night.
The next day it got a little better; one of our friends is trying to look for a house and with us, it is possible to all live together. We are in the process of trying to get the house that we fell in love looking at yesterday. I am praying hard that we get this house. All we can do is put this behind us and move on.
Thank you for reading.
I have had a long week and I hadn’t had the ability to stay home due to appointments, planned events, and errands. Today, I was supposed to attend my boyfriend’s family dinner; these happen every Sunday. I did not want to go and even though I tried to get myself going, I just couldn’t. So, I told my boyfriend that I would stay home today. He and his grandmother got ready and I stayed home. At first it was good but, PTSD always rears its ugly head.
Luckily, I was able to stay fairly stable until my boyfriend got home. Sadly, he was unaware that the smell of tequila on his breath would send me into a flashback. This was unfortunate not for me but for him. He tries to stay away from triggers but, today he triggered one without meaning to. About 10 minutes later, he had to leave for work so he remained talking to me on the phone. About an hour into his shift, I get a message asking me to play some games with my friends. I at first agree but after an hour or so, I had to tell them that I wanted to reschedule.
I find that I have these days at least once a week. I try to tell myself that this is okay but, I always feel bad about it. I am unsure at this point if this is caused by PTSD, anxiety, depression, or stress but, I plan on doing some research. The more information I have, the better I can manage the symptoms. This habit of researching my symptoms and talking to other people with my problems, has helped me create coping mechanisms as well as handle the situations better. I find knowledge is truly power; it gives me the facts and I better understand what I can and cannot fix and ideas on how to deal with them. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
If all goes as planned, I am going to try and do a memoir/poem for my next blog to lighten up my posts as well as, give you guys some insight on how my brain thinks. Have a good day/night and thanks for reading.
I have tried many coping mechanisms in my life but, today I thought to change one of my mechanisms slightly. I got really upset and started going for a walk. Now, this is something that I do quite often but instead of aimless walking and getting myself lost to make myself find my way back, I turned around at the halfway point. I walked until I found the road that I recognized had a park. At the park, I realized that there was a large area of grass, flowers, and a few trees. I sat down under a really nice shady tree in the grass and made myself breathe. With each deep breath, I tried to get myself out of my head and on the nature around me. While I did this, I started picking up blades of grass and tying them around a small stick that I found. I got about 3/4ths of the stick covered before I started to come back to the present. First, I noticed the wind; it was quite brisk but it smelled really good; there was the smell of freshly cut grass, cookouts, and the residual smell of rain. Then, I noticed children playing and the sound of laughter. Children’s laughter is a wonderful thing for me and it made me instantly feel a little better. Next, the grass made itself known underneath me. It was cool and soft with just enough give to remain comfortable. The soil was also cool and still slightly damp but, I didn’t mind it much. I then turned my eyes to the flowers. There were 3 different kinds: little white flowers, small purple flowers, and some yellow flowers that looked like small bundles of bells. They were very pretty littered through the grass and clovers. At this point, I began to pick the flowers and make a small flower wreath that I then put on before lying in the grass. It was very comfortable and it made me think of nature and how we almost never take time to pay attention. I recalled back to my favorite place when I was a child; it was a small pool of water that had a waterfall with a cave under it surrounded by trees. This area was my favorite escape because although it was in the middle of the neighborhood, you could not hear anything but the sound of the waterfall and subsequent brook. It was heavenly. By this point, I felt much better and was able to walk on home. Thank goodness for nature and the sound of laughing children.
Thanks for reading