Tag Archives: learning

It is getting better

So today I went out looking for a house again with my friends and we think we have found one that will meet all of our needs. It even has a dishwasher, Jacuzzi jet tub, and a really nice sized basement. Fingers crossed that we can try and sign papers for it tomorrow. I even got an interview tomorrow to hopefully go back into teaching. I missed being able to do things and go places so this new found freedom is actually pretty nice. On August 21st there is a total solar eclipse and my boyfriend and I are driving 2 states over to see it in full. Super excited.

Only downside to this trip for the eclipse… I have to get all of my school work done 3 days early because I will not have time or internet to do so. I am looking at 2 long chapters, 2 discussions, 6 responses, and a paper on Human Memory. I can do it though.

I have also realized that between proper dosing of cannabis and this blog, I have a form of peace. I feel much better being able to type out everything that I need to.  I can even look at how I am coping and act from it. I really hope that this continues because I know that therapy never truly helped me other than give me coping mechanisms. By this point, I am fairly sure I know just about every mechanism and it is more about using them than struggling to figure them out. It is peculiar however that I am doing better writing a blog because I never did well with journals but, I will not complain.

Thanks for reading.

“We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.”

This is the quote that appeared for August in my calendar and it could not be more fitting. In the past 3 days, things have gotten pretty hectic. It all started because grams (my boyfriend’s grandmother with dementia that we took care of) has finally hit the angry side of dementia. She was making outrageous claims while also being jealous of my boyfriend and I’s relationship. You see, her husband died earlier this year and she misses him everyday. It just finally got to a point, after 2 1/2 years, that we are done and wanting to live a normal life for early 20 year olds.

The next day, I had to go to an appointment for my yearly female exam. After I had made it to the appointment, we get a call from paramedics and he had to hurry home. She had accidentally hit the button and with her medicine missing (she takes them later in the day because her days and nights are switched), she is incontinent and had peed while we were gone and for these reasons, they took her. It wasn’t until several hours later that we would hear anything. It is believed that in her anger and with the imagined problems she said something that painted us in the wrong light. They told us that we were deemed unfit. It was a whirlwind of bad things. Even though we had several people vouching for us that we took very good care of her, they kept this decision and she was taken from the home. At that moment we learned that we had about a month to move out. It was a bad night.

The next day it got a little better; one of our friends is trying to look for a house and with us, it is possible to all live together. We are in the process of trying to get the house that we fell in love looking at yesterday. I am praying hard that we get this house. All we can do is put this behind us and move on.

Thank you for reading.

How can you have PTSD? You were never in the military…

This question bugs me to my core. PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, is not limited to those in the military. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD can be caused by a shocking, scary, or dangerous event that triggered a flight-or-flight response; this is meant to protect a person from harm. In chronic PTSD, which I have, the person experiences re-experiences of the trauma (flashbacks), avoidance, bad dreams, easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, feelings of guilt or blame, and frightening thoughts. Often, those with PTSD also inherit anxiety disorders.

I have PTSD due to years of sexual/physical/emotional abuse and several near death experiences. All of these triggered the fight response in me as a child and it has physically distorted areas in my brain. Childhood trauma is also very bad for the brain because it is effecting it in a more long term manner. Trauma in children has long lasting effects because the brains are still being developed and the changes that the brain undergoes at these stages are extremely important for development and personality.

Rant over. Thank you for reading.

Introduction/What my blog is about

Hi everyone, I am a 21 year old woman who is an aspiring teacher living with PTSD. I am currently in college working on my Early Childhood Education degree in order to teach second grade. I do not plan on telling my name at least at the moment to keep my identity safe from my family and abusers.

My point in writing this blog is to help me cope with my PTSD. While I am sure I will touch on this more later, in short, my mother had me very young and she had a long string of bad husbands/boyfriends whom were abusive in all senses of the word. I was abused from ages 5-17 from both the men and my own family. I was emancipated at 17 years old. I live with my boyfriend and his grandmother with dementia. I stay home full time to take care of her while he works; this can sometimes cause my thoughts and flashbacks to be worse due to seclusion. I plan on this blog being more than just this though; I want to also use it to talk about my life and everything (that is interesting or worth talking about) that happens to me.

Thank you for reading my blog and feel free to give me advice or ask me questions.