Tag Archives: life

What a crappy morning

I was so excited for the day but, now everything just sucks. I feel like crap. I am emotional and I feel alone. Worst of all I feel like a failure.  Having PTSD is so hard; not to mention everything that I have along with it: anxiety, depression, EDS, and next to zero self esteem. Plus, I am out of my handy cannabis to calm me down and stop the bad thoughts.

One little statement can kill iyou. I just want people to believe in me and know that I really do try… I hate that I have all the problems that Ind that it started so early in life. Only now as an adult have I begun to learn anything… For example, in my mom’s house, the only way to get anything in would be to interrupt; if that isn’t bad enough, I have  ADHD which in my case is expressed through interrupting and problems focusing. I know I need to work on it and I want to but it is physically difficult for me to slow down enough to think before I speak and to not do so. Idk what to do and it is causing problems in my life.

I also learned that I handle my anger through passive agression. This is news to me because I am fairly even tempered. It is apparently an issue but, idk how to fix it either. I am not someone who yells or gets outwardly angry easily and I not to things up a lot. I was unaware of my passive aggressions. So many questions without answers.

Thank you for reading my rant/inner turmoil.

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It is getting better

So today I went out looking for a house again with my friends and we think we have found one that will meet all of our needs. It even has a dishwasher, Jacuzzi jet tub, and a really nice sized basement. Fingers crossed that we can try and sign papers for it tomorrow. I even got an interview tomorrow to hopefully go back into teaching. I missed being able to do things and go places so this new found freedom is actually pretty nice. On August 21st there is a total solar eclipse and my boyfriend and I are driving 2 states over to see it in full. Super excited.

Only downside to this trip for the eclipse… I have to get all of my school work done 3 days early because I will not have time or internet to do so. I am looking at 2 long chapters, 2 discussions, 6 responses, and a paper on Human Memory. I can do it though.

I have also realized that between proper dosing of cannabis and this blog, I have a form of peace. I feel much better being able to type out everything that I need to.  I can even look at how I am coping and act from it. I really hope that this continues because I know that therapy never truly helped me other than give me coping mechanisms. By this point, I am fairly sure I know just about every mechanism and it is more about using them than struggling to figure them out. It is peculiar however that I am doing better writing a blog because I never did well with journals but, I will not complain.

Thanks for reading.

Tattoo Excitement

So, I have a friend who is an apprentice at a fairly prestigious shop (at least in my area). She has decided to give me a free tattoo to help her practice. I have been watching her work: her drawings, tattoos, and concepts. She is doing really well. On 9/11 I am getting it. I thought I would get a tattoo for my love of teaching on my forearm.

It is going to have a watercolor background with an adorable owl at the top. The middle/bottom is going to have “Teachers who love teaching, teach children to love learning” and a small apple to the side of the lettering. Now, normally I wouldn’t get a quote but, there are few tattoos for teachers and I have always loved this quote. I feel that it is a good reflection on how I feel about teaching. I have also decided that the arm that I put it on, is going to be dedicated to my teaching. The plan is to get a small tattoo each year that fits each group of kids. That was all. 🙂

Thanks for reading.

It was a good day

Today was a pretty good day; we had some friends that stayed the night last night. When we got up, we all sat around and played a bunch of games and got to talk and hang out. They even got me to try my first taste of brandy; all I can really say was it burned. Nothing really came out of that other than them all laughing at my face… I don’t drink.

We followed the day up with partying, playing more role playing games, and getting food out all together. Poor girl (the waitress) had a rough night. When we went in, (at 3am mind you) she had roughly 4 other parties and she was by herself. One of my friends also decides to get a 7×7 sandwich from Steak n Shake. After all of our order was taken, I counted up that we (the 4 of us) had all just asked her to tell the one and only cook that an order of 4 people just got 22 patties. The cook was not too happy but, we did our best to keep her in good spirits. We even left her a $15 dollar tip to try and apologize. We then went home and my boyfriend and I had a really nice fire and time to play with our dog. It definitely made up for the last few days.

Thank you for reading.

“We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.”

This is the quote that appeared for August in my calendar and it could not be more fitting. In the past 3 days, things have gotten pretty hectic. It all started because grams (my boyfriend’s grandmother with dementia that we took care of) has finally hit the angry side of dementia. She was making outrageous claims while also being jealous of my boyfriend and I’s relationship. You see, her husband died earlier this year and she misses him everyday. It just finally got to a point, after 2 1/2 years, that we are done and wanting to live a normal life for early 20 year olds.

The next day, I had to go to an appointment for my yearly female exam. After I had made it to the appointment, we get a call from paramedics and he had to hurry home. She had accidentally hit the button and with her medicine missing (she takes them later in the day because her days and nights are switched), she is incontinent and had peed while we were gone and for these reasons, they took her. It wasn’t until several hours later that we would hear anything. It is believed that in her anger and with the imagined problems she said something that painted us in the wrong light. They told us that we were deemed unfit. It was a whirlwind of bad things. Even though we had several people vouching for us that we took very good care of her, they kept this decision and she was taken from the home. At that moment we learned that we had about a month to move out. It was a bad night.

The next day it got a little better; one of our friends is trying to look for a house and with us, it is possible to all live together. We are in the process of trying to get the house that we fell in love looking at yesterday. I am praying hard that we get this house. All we can do is put this behind us and move on.

Thank you for reading.

Porch Swing

[This poem is written from a memoir that I wrote about 3 years ago.}

Both brash and soft, a breeze

Caresses her skin, abrasively,

It,

Whips past quickly, moving through

An open window.

The gentle swaying

Of a brown wicker porch swing

Making a soft squeak

And on it laid a blue cushion.

Her old turn dial radio,

Let out a staticy version of

Old style country.

Made from guitars, basses, fiddles,

And a harmony of voices.

There are hushed sounds

Of birds singing their songs of joy

In the distance.

The hushed sounds of children

Who have sought the warm protection of

Being indoors-

A storm approaches.

The sweet smell of lakes

And oceanic waters

Lingers in the air

Signaling a rain

Coming on her right.

She looks outside

To see the many shades-

Of greens on newly bloomed trees.

She also sees shades of

Pinks, whites, and reds

Among the trees

And a garden’s budding flowers.

Her sky seemed split in two

The sun is setting to the left

Over the horizon

Painting her sky, a collage,

Of red, blue, orange, and purple.

On her right

The sky is gray

And threatening

The serene quiet.

The thoughts of this girl

At peace

Are overlooking

the

Days hardhips

Every now and again

The last shine of the days and

The last hints of light hit

Her eyes

Making them glint

She awaits the coming

Of rain

On the brown wicker

Porch swing

For rain seems to calm

Her and her soul

In the distance

The sound is faint

But tangible

Of cars passing on

A nearby road

Her sun sets

Over the bright green fields-

She watches the clouds

Move slowly in-

The flowers close up

Hiding away for the lights’ return-

The grey clouds

Gather tightly-

The swing’s blue cushion

Cradling her back and head

She lies

Admiring the beauty

At the end

of the day

She puts aside

The past and the previous

Unfortunate times

For the

Present and happy young childhood

That is ever so missed

And all ends

With the sound of Windchimes

Sometimes you just want to stay home

I have had a long week and I hadn’t had the ability to stay home due to appointments, planned events, and errands. Today, I was supposed to attend my boyfriend’s family dinner; these happen every Sunday. I did not want to go and even though I tried to get myself going, I just couldn’t. So, I told my boyfriend that I would stay home today. He and his grandmother got ready and I stayed home. At first it was good but, PTSD always rears its ugly head.

Luckily, I was able to stay fairly stable until my boyfriend got home. Sadly, he was unaware that the smell of tequila on his breath would send me into a flashback. This was unfortunate not for me but for him. He tries to stay away from triggers but, today he triggered one without meaning to. About 10 minutes later, he had to leave for work so he remained talking to me on the phone. About an hour into his shift, I get a message asking me to play some games with my friends. I at first agree but after an hour or so, I had to tell them that I wanted to reschedule.

I find that I have these days at least once a week. I try to tell myself that this is okay but, I always feel bad about it. I am unsure at this point if this is caused by PTSD, anxiety, depression, or stress but, I plan on doing some research. The more information I have, the better I can manage the symptoms. This habit of researching my symptoms and talking to other people with my problems, has helped me create coping mechanisms as well as handle the situations better. I find knowledge is truly power; it gives me the facts and I better understand what I can and cannot fix and ideas on how to deal with them. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

If all goes as planned, I am going to try and do a memoir/poem for my next blog to lighten up my posts as well as, give you guys some insight on how my brain thinks. Have a good day/night and thanks for reading.

Today’s coping mechanism

I have tried many coping mechanisms in my life but, today I thought to change one of my mechanisms slightly. I got really upset and started going for a walk. Now, this is something that I do quite often but instead of aimless walking and getting myself lost to make myself find my way back, I  turned around at the halfway point. I walked until I found the road that I recognized had a park. At the park, I realized that there was a large area of grass, flowers, and a few trees. I sat down under a really nice shady tree in the grass and made myself breathe. With each deep breath, I tried to get myself out of my head and on the nature around me. While I did this, I started picking up blades of grass and tying them around a small stick that I found. I got about 3/4ths of the stick covered before I started to come back to the present. First, I noticed the wind; it was quite brisk but it smelled really good; there was the smell of freshly cut grass, cookouts, and the residual smell of rain. Then, I noticed children playing and the sound of laughter. Children’s laughter is a wonderful thing for me and it made me instantly feel a little better. Next, the grass made itself known underneath me. It was cool and soft with just enough give to remain comfortable. The soil was also cool and still slightly damp but, I didn’t mind it much. I then turned my eyes to the flowers. There were 3 different kinds: little white flowers,  small purple flowers, and some yellow flowers that looked like small bundles of bells. They were very pretty littered through the grass and clovers. At this point, I began to pick the flowers and make a small flower wreath that I then put on before lying in the grass. It was very comfortable and it made me think of nature and how we almost never take time to pay attention. I recalled back to my favorite place when I was a child; it was a small pool of water that had a waterfall with a cave under it surrounded by trees. This area was my favorite escape because although it was in the middle of the neighborhood, you could not hear anything but the sound of the waterfall and subsequent brook. It was heavenly. By this point, I felt much better and was able to walk on home. Thank goodness for nature and the sound of laughing children.

Thanks for reading

How can you have PTSD? You were never in the military…

This question bugs me to my core. PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, is not limited to those in the military. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD can be caused by a shocking, scary, or dangerous event that triggered a flight-or-flight response; this is meant to protect a person from harm. In chronic PTSD, which I have, the person experiences re-experiences of the trauma (flashbacks), avoidance, bad dreams, easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, feelings of guilt or blame, and frightening thoughts. Often, those with PTSD also inherit anxiety disorders.

I have PTSD due to years of sexual/physical/emotional abuse and several near death experiences. All of these triggered the fight response in me as a child and it has physically distorted areas in my brain. Childhood trauma is also very bad for the brain because it is effecting it in a more long term manner. Trauma in children has long lasting effects because the brains are still being developed and the changes that the brain undergoes at these stages are extremely important for development and personality.

Rant over. Thank you for reading.

On a lighter note

Today was a much better day. I just finished my sociology class and started my childhood psychology class today. I finished  my previous class with a 98% A which made me pretty happy. (I go to an online school due to my 24/7 ‘job’ as a caretaker) Childhood psychology should be an easy class for me thankfully. I spent many years learning about psychology and biology which is the basis of this class along with development. I only have two more classes before I go back in the field and boy am I excited! I also had fun playing a tad geeky game called World of Darkness. World of Darkness is a game similar to D&D but, it is focused on horror and role-play more than turn based combat. We have been playing this particular story-line for a little over 2 years and we are coming to the end of the game.

I did have one downside however because I managed to injure myself yesterday. Now, I should elaborate first on why this would happen; I have something called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. This, at least in my type (III), causes me to be hyper-mobile and I dislocate very easily and I have to train my muscles to make up for my joints. (My shoulders dislocate, or at least sublux, 4-6 times a day. Think of my joints as an old overstretched rubber band.) I was working out at the gym and I went to the dead-lift bar and I forgot to remove the weights before lowering the bar below my head. (Our gym has an assist bar that has the barbell set on cables to make sure that the person doesn’t get injured when they are without a spotter) This caused my back to dislocate in several places along with my shoulders.

Is there any questions you have for me or anything you would like to see me write about? Let me know! Thank you for reading, have a wonderful night/day.