Tag Archives: PTSD

Internet Troubles

Hello everyone,

Sorry, I have been gone for a while. I had to move to a new apartment with my boyfriend because his grandmother had to sell her house. I was without internet for several months and I have just now returned.

Update: I have found a new job. I am baking at Golden Corral and I am still student teaching. My boyfriend and I have found an apartment and we are loving our freedom again! School is still going very well.

In the past month, I have gotten in touch with my old best friend from high school and I have found a few new friends. This is very good because I often have a hard time trying to make friends.

I have also had a really bad week the last week due to my PTSD. This was caused by both a mixture of not having cannabis (For those that follow me, you already know that I am a medical user. For those that do not, I am a medicinal user for both chronic pain and PTSD) and my grandfather passing away. This actually caused me turmoil not because he was my grandfather but rather the accompanying situation that occurred around it. You see, my grandfather that passed is actually my step-grandfather whom I have only known for about 4 years. While he was a really nice guy and I did spend some time with him. I did not really know him very well. While I was sad to hear of his passing it did not cause me very much grief but, my family became very adamant about me showing to his funeral. There are three big reasons I did not attend 1.) my mother would be there 2.) I did not really know him well enough and 3.) I have been to too many funerals lately. My grandmothers decided that they would continuously bug me about going to the funeral but I politely declined and told them that I had work and could not attend. This however, did not stop them from hounding me about going to the point I would not answer them. Today, I went to my grandmothers to bring her some money and pick up a few things and she then decided to try and guilt trip me about not having gone and that I had really hurt their feelings.

To backtrack a little bit, I do not have a very good relationship with my mother and I have therefore not talked to her in several years let alone see her. She was not only a bad mother but she is a manipulator, a blackmailer, a nymphomaniac, and all around nasty person. There was even an instance not long ago when I attempted to see my sister and she flipped out on my grandmother for her having asked my mom if it was okay for me to see her. She said some very cruel and untrue things to her all for my grandmother doing what my mom said about asking first. She is very angry with me and she tries to punish me by making it so I cannot see my siblings but, she does not realize that she is also punishing my siblings. There is one thing I do feel bad about however; I have a young sister that I am 20 years apart from that I have never met. I can only hope that my other siblings will help her understand that I am not staying away because I do not want to meet her but, rather to refrain from being around my poisonous mother. The hardest thing about all of this is that I am not seeing my siblings and that they will never truely know why I do not come around. Mom is a completely different person around other people. She is only mean, nasty, and hateful around me. She told me once that the reason she is like this is that she resents my father but, that is not my fault. This is very hard to grasp sometimes. She at times seems like she wants to try and make things right but, at the end of the day it only returns and she continues to blame me for all of her mistakes in life.

Another update: I have decided to no longer keep in contact with my father either. For those that do not know, I finally got back in contact with my father at the age of 18 because I wanted to know why he tried to kill my mom and maybe have some sort of relationship with him. This I have decided is not what I want. In stories, the estranged parent can sometimes be a wonderful person who was wronged and that was what I believed happened. After all, how could my father be worse than my mom. Truth be told, he is not worse than my mom but, he still is not anyone I want to keep in contact with. He is consistantly negative and angry, he has violent episodes, he has been to jail several times, he did drugs, he has lost all of his children, he is a deadbeat that cannot hold a job for more than a couple weeks, and he did not try until after things were to late. To reinterate, as it turns out he was supposed to pay child support. Now, many fathers decide not to pay but, in his case all he had to pay was $25 a month. This is not a lot of money but, he instead decided to only work under the table and never pay it. Then once I was 18, he started working off and on and told me he was going to pay child support. This was an odd thing to be told because the money would then not go to me at all and everything he complained about (the money only going to my mom) is the reality no matter what because I no longer live with her. Now do not get me wrong, there are redeemable things about him but, I cannot handle the way he chooses to live his life an act. I mean a man that is more worried about feeding his vices than paying for dpl and for his step child to eat is not a very good parent in my book. Sorry for the random info dump.

Thanks for reading.

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Sometimes you just want to stay home

I have had a long week and I hadn’t had the ability to stay home due to appointments, planned events, and errands. Today, I was supposed to attend my boyfriend’s family dinner; these happen every Sunday. I did not want to go and even though I tried to get myself going, I just couldn’t. So, I told my boyfriend that I would stay home today. He and his grandmother got ready and I stayed home. At first it was good but, PTSD always rears its ugly head.

Luckily, I was able to stay fairly stable until my boyfriend got home. Sadly, he was unaware that the smell of tequila on his breath would send me into a flashback. This was unfortunate not for me but for him. He tries to stay away from triggers but, today he triggered one without meaning to. About 10 minutes later, he had to leave for work so he remained talking to me on the phone. About an hour into his shift, I get a message asking me to play some games with my friends. I at first agree but after an hour or so, I had to tell them that I wanted to reschedule.

I find that I have these days at least once a week. I try to tell myself that this is okay but, I always feel bad about it. I am unsure at this point if this is caused by PTSD, anxiety, depression, or stress but, I plan on doing some research. The more information I have, the better I can manage the symptoms. This habit of researching my symptoms and talking to other people with my problems, has helped me create coping mechanisms as well as handle the situations better. I find knowledge is truly power; it gives me the facts and I better understand what I can and cannot fix and ideas on how to deal with them. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

If all goes as planned, I am going to try and do a memoir/poem for my next blog to lighten up my posts as well as, give you guys some insight on how my brain thinks. Have a good day/night and thanks for reading.

How can you have PTSD? You were never in the military…

This question bugs me to my core. PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, is not limited to those in the military. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD can be caused by a shocking, scary, or dangerous event that triggered a flight-or-flight response; this is meant to protect a person from harm. In chronic PTSD, which I have, the person experiences re-experiences of the trauma (flashbacks), avoidance, bad dreams, easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, feelings of guilt or blame, and frightening thoughts. Often, those with PTSD also inherit anxiety disorders.

I have PTSD due to years of sexual/physical/emotional abuse and several near death experiences. All of these triggered the fight response in me as a child and it has physically distorted areas in my brain. Childhood trauma is also very bad for the brain because it is effecting it in a more long term manner. Trauma in children has long lasting effects because the brains are still being developed and the changes that the brain undergoes at these stages are extremely important for development and personality.

Rant over. Thank you for reading.

Rough Day (warning flashback scene)

So, today I woke up with a sense of impending doom. I did not know entirely why until a few hours later. I went around the house doing what I normally do and trying to make myself feel better but everything seemed to be in vain.

Then it happened, a sudden panic attack followed by a flashback. I started to pant and it felt like an elephant was on my chest. I started trying to breathe but, I could not seem to catch my breath. It started with a smell; it was something similar to that of wood and incense. Then I saw him, the tall linky man of my nightmares. He was my mother’s current boyfriend and the worst of all. I see him walking up the stairs to my room with a look of hunger in his eyes. Behind him I see my mother in a drugged out haze. She doesn’t seem to notice or care that I am telling them to get out of my room. Then they walk to the side of my bed and he takes off her clothes. He then stares right at me and tells me that I better watch and he then has his way with my mother. The scene flickers and I am running in the house trying to get away from him as he is chasing me around the house in an angry rage for taking my bike to school on a rainy day. (I had to walk to school everyday but, it was pouring and I wanted to get there faster. He picked me up one block from the school and forced me to stay home.) He catches me by the hair and lifts me up. I am thrown into the baby gate and I start to bleed and I cry out but, my mother is in a near comatose state from prescription drugs that he has forced her to take. It shifts again, he is offering to teach me how to fight and to not be surprised at anything. He claims that he has to touch my privates to make me numb to the feeling. I try to pull away but, he forces me into his lap and makes me move no matter how much I cried. Another vision comes forth, I am tied down and he has a lighter and it is moving towards my privates again and it goes black. I am sweating and trying to breath and forget what I just saw. My mind is groggy and I try to ground myself in the location I am in.

I got up and went to the bathroom to splash water and my face and make it so that no one can tell what happened. I stare in the mirror trying to make my face into a convincing smile while, reassuring myself that everything is okay now. I left the bathroom and sat down on the couch to watch TV. Moments later, my boyfriend’s grandmother wakes up and needs help to got to the bathroom and my day fully begins. To help with the pain, I turn to the only thing that helps… cannabis.

I read several years before this about the benefits of cannabis but, I never realized just how well it really worked until I decided to try it again about 4 years ago. In the past I smoked but, I was unaware of the benefits that it had. I was given it at the age of 9 and I smoked off and on for years. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I truly decided to try it as a daily medication. To this day, it is the only solace that I have. I even found that I am able to better concentrate and go to school when I smoke. I went from being a c average student to a straight A student. It was then that I decided that it was best to continue. Thank goodness that it will be medically legal here in about 2 months.

I think I will end here for now, thank you for reading. Have a good day/night.

 

Introduction/What my blog is about

Hi everyone, I am a 21 year old woman who is an aspiring teacher living with PTSD. I am currently in college working on my Early Childhood Education degree in order to teach second grade. I do not plan on telling my name at least at the moment to keep my identity safe from my family and abusers.

My point in writing this blog is to help me cope with my PTSD. While I am sure I will touch on this more later, in short, my mother had me very young and she had a long string of bad husbands/boyfriends whom were abusive in all senses of the word. I was abused from ages 5-17 from both the men and my own family. I was emancipated at 17 years old. I live with my boyfriend and his grandmother with dementia. I stay home full time to take care of her while he works; this can sometimes cause my thoughts and flashbacks to be worse due to seclusion. I plan on this blog being more than just this though; I want to also use it to talk about my life and everything (that is interesting or worth talking about) that happens to me.

Thank you for reading my blog and feel free to give me advice or ask me questions.