I was so excited for the day but, now everything just sucks. I feel like crap. I am emotional and I feel alone. Worst of all I feel like a failure. Having PTSD is so hard; not to mention everything that I have along with it: anxiety, depression, EDS, and next to zero self esteem. Plus, I am out of my handy cannabis to calm me down and stop the bad thoughts.
One little statement can kill iyou. I just want people to believe in me and know that I really do try… I hate that I have all the problems that Ind that it started so early in life. Only now as an adult have I begun to learn anything… For example, in my mom’s house, the only way to get anything in would be to interrupt; if that isn’t bad enough, I have ADHD which in my case is expressed through interrupting and problems focusing. I know I need to work on it and I want to but it is physically difficult for me to slow down enough to think before I speak and to not do so. Idk what to do and it is causing problems in my life.
I also learned that I handle my anger through passive agression. This is news to me because I am fairly even tempered. It is apparently an issue but, idk how to fix it either. I am not someone who yells or gets outwardly angry easily and I not to things up a lot. I was unaware of my passive aggressions. So many questions without answers.
Thank you for reading my rant/inner turmoil.
I often get the question, “What made you decide to teach?” I think it is a wide variety of things. Subconsciously, I think I always loved teaching but never really noticed it. There has been many instances in my life that I have taught. When I was 12 years old, I became a black belt in martial arts (the youngest in my school) and I soon after became an instructor. I absolutely loved teaching. I taught this for roughly 5 or 6 years before taking my break due to my studies becoming a priority.
I originally wanted to be a neurosurgeon but after going to college for a year, I found that it was not what I really wanted to do. While I felt that I had the intelligence and the steady hands, I wanted to have a family at some point. Surgeons, especially neurosurgeons, spend long hours in the hospitals with an average of 80+ hours a week. This would not leave me very much time to have a family and care for them in the ways that I would like to. My childhood was filled with many bad things (as my blog makes obvious) and I do not want my children to go through the same things. I also grew up raising my siblings which gave me a lot of practice with children.
After about half a year from the point of dropping out of college to reassess my life and what I wanted to be, I decided to try out teaching at KinderCare. I was immediately hired as the Pre-K teacher. This was one of the best decisions of my life! I loved those children and they loved me too. Everyday that I came in, the children would all crowd around me and give me hugs; it was a wonderful feeling. As time went on, I had several parents tell me how amazing my teaching was and how well their children were doing. Some of the parents had even mentioned that I was the reason that they stayed at KinderCare.
The best thing about teaching, for me, is watching the light-bulb moments. It is such a great feeling when you help a child reach new heights. For example, I had a little boy who wanted to learn how to write his name but, he continuously would say that it was impossible. He got very frustrated and he would throw things but, each day I sat down with him until I came up with a better idea. I had the whole class come together for an experiment. First, I would give each child a dry erase board and have them gather around my white board. Next, I would draw a line and have them copy it. Then, I would draw another and another. Until finally, they had created a letter and this blew their mind! This made a wonderful breakthrough where several children wanted to learn how to write their names. I spent time teaching each one. Now, the student that would throw things felt more confident and I treated his name in the same fashion. After about 3 weeks of continuous practice, he figures it out. The next day, his mother came in exclaiming how wonderful it was to see her child start trying things. Apparently, he had the family all sit down at the table while he wrote his name for them (correctly I might add). This was just the best feeling ever. I live for these moments!
Anyway, thanks for reading!